After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
