How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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