3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
