I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
