My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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