omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize