And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
