She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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