How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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