Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
