I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
