yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You need a sexual gate keeper
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
