The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
