Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think i have herpe
just one?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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