Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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