Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
