I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
