Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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