Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
