Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
