I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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