im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize