She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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