I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
