I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
we're making bets on your personal life
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
