So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
