he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
