sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
