I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
