So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You need a sexual gate keeper
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
