If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
