do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
