He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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