They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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