Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
