Can i not drive my cunt home
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
