Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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