Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize