I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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