Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
