the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
