friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
