omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
