The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Let's get the cat blown out
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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