Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
