Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
