Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
