Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
