porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
