I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
