mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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