a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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