Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm passing your future prison.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
