OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
