I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
