i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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