On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
