I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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